I used to love Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.
275. I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
274. Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle “Do not have more than two.” Well then do not put a candy coating around it.
273. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.”
272. I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like, “Fuck you, I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!”
271. Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
270. I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing… it's just flat!” [Listen]
269. I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the pedals, she was saying “he loves me, he loves me not.” Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? “Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty… And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of pedals!” [Listen]
268. Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
267. That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you'd be like “Shit, I didn't think that was for real!
266. You know that show “My Three Sons”? That'd be funny if it was called “My One Dad”.
265. I ran some Evian water through a filter… the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.
264. I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said “All right, fuck back on.”
263. Gel's funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up.
262. When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that when someone else's floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like “You're on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you.” [Listen]
261. I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over.” [Listen]
260. Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races … because you would be there fuckin' days. [Listen]
259. Man, remember that movie The Outsiders and one of the guys name was “Soda Pop”, and at the time it was cool?… It's not cool right now. You're nickname was “Soda Pop” you would be dead. [Listen]
258. I remixed the remix… it was back to normal.
257. My manager's cool, he gets concerned, he says, “Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.” I can't use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk. [Listen]
256. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. “How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down.” [Listen]
255. When I play the South, they say “y'all” in the South. They take out the “O” and the “U”. So when I'm in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. “Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle… sp.” [Listen]
254. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. [Listen]
253. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
252. Alcoholism is a disease. But it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. [Listen]
251. I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said “You're gonna have to sleep on the floor.”…. Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall. [Listen]
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250. Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
249. I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
248. I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think “I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can.” [Listen]
247. I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool. [Listen]
246. I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. “Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.” [Listen]
245. There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says “You can water your hard to reach plants with this product.” Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! That seems so very mean. [Listen]
244. You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fuckin' bullshit, man. Because that thing would knock you on your ass.
243. I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already and say “Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?” And he says “no.” Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say “Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there.” [Listen]
242. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose! [Listen]
241. Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice. So you open it… and it still ain't opened. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. [Listen]
240. Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?
239. I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said, “How many of you people feel like animals?” The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. [Listen]
238. I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. “What does a giraffe taste like?” “A hippopotamus!”
237. I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth… it looks like the fan is saying “No.” So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place?” [Listen]
236. I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. [Listen]
235. I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!
234. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
233. You can't have seaweed as a house plant because you'd have to water it way too much. [Listen]
232. I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying “Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit.” [Listen]
231. The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says “It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper”… well then they fucked up.
230. I get the Reese's candy. If you read that name Reese's, that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. [Listen]
229. I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add “er.” [Listen]
228. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it.” [Listen]
227. I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank.” [Listen]
226. I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see doctor Acula.
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