The Definitive Ranking Of Hair Metal Hair

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Glam on.

This extremely scientific ranking is based on: hair volume, amount of hairspray used (flammability), and overall band participation.

Judas Priest

Volume: 2

Flammability: 2

Band Participation: 3

Score: 5

At least pretend that you give a shit, Rob.

Columbia Records

Deep Purple

Volume: 4

Flammability: 2

Band Participation: 3

Score: 8

Plus one for the handlebar mustache.

PolyGram Records

Night Ranger

Volume: 3.5

Flammability: 2.5

Band Participation: 2.5

Score: 8.5

This looks much more “pensive poet” than “metal.”

MCA Records

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